American Voices: Why Ke$ha is Good for My Sex Life

March 3, 2010 | Satire

“Twentysomething girls want guys who look like Mick Jagger? Hot damn! The young honies are gonna LOVE me!”

–Jimmy Coyne, Orlando, Fla.

Jessica Simpson is a “Little Bit Angry” at John Mayer for Totally Boosting Her Dating Life

March 3, 2010 | Celebrities

Jessica Simpson claims she isn’t holding a grudge against ex-BF John Mayer, who recently did her dating life a HUGE favor and blabbed to Playboy that she is “crazy” in bed and called her sexual “crack cocaine.”

“I’m not angry,” J-Simp, 29, tells Oprah in a show airing on Wednesday. “I’m not angry. I’m — well, I’m a little bit angry … I’m a little bit angry.”

Asked why she’s upset, J-Simp replied, “Um — well, I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.”

Jess said her phone rang “off the hook” after John’s silly interview came out. On the bright side, she said, “I guess it could have been a lot worse.”

Holy Candy’s sources say she IS, however, annoyed that she had to look up what the hell “napalm” means.

Tags: jessica simpson

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Today’s Pearl of Wisdom from Courtney Love

March 2, 2010 | Celebrities

We all need guidance in our life sometimes. We may seek it from friends, family, therapists, a higher being — and yet, the most powerful insight often comes from unexpected sources: this time, from Courtney Love. Which is why I’ve chosen to share this most recent pearl of wisdom from her MySpace blog.

From her entry titled “whoops there gores the nerighbourhood”

so it is true and my space is eating it?
yeah i am having my mgmt send me to facebook when oa sked them they asked for my ssn its not MY ssn but still it as mighty rude so i helf a sign up saying 666 66 6666 with a timne clock on it on the pic and sent it flipping em off so i could be ne on facebook
whooo look what happens with unfiltered fucking comments, gross, did yoi even bother to read whsat i wrote your so stuck up your own asses, some of you
its hysterical thats exactly how theyt fuck my kid becuse tards like you make it seem like itrs easy, ” oh shes a bitch lets pretend we re respected lawyers in teh NYC SUPREME COURT”
x16 in one day, and lien her KID for 169 ,000 x 16.

STUDY HELP WITH COURTNEY LOVE’S BLOG ENTRY

Review Questions and Essay Topics

1. If you are stuck up your own ass, do you plan to escape with a crowbar, the help of firemen, lubricant or another kind of aid? Explain the physics behind (pun intended) your answer.

2. What is my space eating? Whatever it is, be sure to bring enough to share with the class.

3. x16 + 169 ,000 x 16 – 666 66 6666 + 1 Crazy Bitch = ?

4. Courtney’s spelling of “nerighbourhood” lets us know that she is British with a disdain for spell check. What does her use of “tards” indicate?

Tags: Celebrities Are Wise, courtney love

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Jermaine Jackson’s Son Orders Taser Online, Tries to Stun Blanket (AKA “Just Another Day in the Jackson Household”)

March 2, 2010 | Celebrities

As if being called “Blanket” weren’t traumatizing enough, Child Protective Services visited the Jackson family home in Encino last night after they heard Jermaine Jackson’s 13-year-old son Jaafar went after poor Blanket, 7, with a taser gun.

Somewhere, Joe Jackson is brainstorming how he can use this incident to promote his record label.

TMZ reports that last week the Jackson’s security team intercepted a taser gun that Jaafar ordered off the Internet. Taser Guns ‘R’ Us! Although Grandma Katherine claims she locked up the gun in one of her closets, Jaafar somehow got his sneaky little hands on it again — and Security caught Jaafar on the second floor of the home on the verge of stunning Blanket. Which is why CPS stepped in. Not surprisingly, they confiscated the stun gun and are planning to return to the home to further investigate the incident.

TMZ’s ubiquitous sources added that there’s a SECOND taser gun somewhere in the house — a gun that I suspect is responsible for melting La Toya’s face: