An Open Letter to Joan Van Ark
December 3, 2007 | Pop Culture
Dear Joan:
I know you’ve been through a lot. Anyone who can survive having her newborn twins stolen at the hospital and being told they had died during childbirth has my utmost respect and sympathy. And while it was actually Val Ewing on Knots Landing who endured that nightmare, I’m sure playing those scenes was still gut-wrenching for you.
We all deal with such pain in different ways. Some cry. Others inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt (note to self: replenish with trip to grocery store today). Yet others, it would appear, take it out on their face.
Sweetie, I want you to take a deep breath and repeat after me: “It is NOT my face’s fault that my twins were stolen and auctioned off on the illegal-adoption black market.”
Hard to admit, I know. But no amount of pulling, nipping, tucking, plumping and eyebrow tattooing will give you back that first year you lost with your stolen babies. OR the face you had when you were 20 years old. All you can do is move on with your life — and be thankful that you still have enough movement left in your face to form a semi-smile.
So let’s slowly step away from the doctor’s office, okay? Unless, of course, you’re just preparing your mug for a role as a burn victim on Nip/Tuck, in which case give that sexy Julian McMahon a big kiss for me!
Hugs, kisses and many pints of Ben & Jerry’s,
Candy
Tags: Open Letters
Jenn
says:
whoa! Someone needs to get her a mirror – she is scary.
jewed
says:
whoa-lipstick exists,lady.
14
says:
Interestingly how the tube of lipstick was so woefully ignored while the heavy sepia-colored brow and eye makeup was applied with such zeal. Poor dear, she’s become a cautionary tale.
martini lover
says:
also love how the bronzer on the tip of her nose matches her eyebrows and eyeliner.
Happy Go Lucky
says:
This lady looks dead. Gross.
Maybe Ms Lohan can share some of her fake bake??
kay
says:
Why is her face so strangely coloured? What happened to her pigmentation? Is that a side effect of the “treatments” she must be getting? I looked at her website and she has been airbrushed to the point of being unrecognizable on the main page. She looks like a 20-something in that picture.
I think she suffers from body dysmorphic syndrome in a bad, bad way.
Jenn
says:
hmm Kay – so you are saying a mirror won’t help?
Julie
says:
EGADS!!!
Hannah
says:
Hold me mommy!!!
librarian kathleen
says:
Yet.
Another.
Example.
Of.
“Madamism”
see:
librarian kathleen
says:
http://cityrag.blogs.com/main/2005/
11/madamism.html
Bee Hind
says:
My God, was she just eating blue cotton candy?
Jane
says:
Who the f**k let her appear in public
without looking in the mirror beforehand?
OMG! That is just absolutely awful.
She looks like her make-up was done
by a mortician. Yikes!
jo
says:
I’m also focusing on that lovely “drowned body” tint (it wasn’t in the crayola box, but I didn’t manage to find a closer match)on her face, around her piehole uh I mean mouth. What can cause that? To my highly untrained eyes, it looks like necrosis… How the hell can you be that color?
Me
says:
This is completely f-ed up.
I’m going to age gracefully and
naturally, and I am not going to
cave into this plastic/botox crap.
She’s in her 60s and doesn’t
have to dress like an old lady,
BUT
it would be nice to see someone
in their 60s looking like
they are in their 60s for once.
Lo
says:
Whoa… I’m just speechless on this one… That’s freaking scary dude, how can they get out of the OR and be like, “oh, I look wonderful” when they look like bleach and some acid fell on their faces.
Bobofet
says:
Looks like frostbite
Holy Terror
says:
librarian kathleen says:http://cityrag.blogs.com/main/2005/
11/madamism.html
The link doesn’t work anymore kathleen, but I know and love Madame and Waylan Flowers. I miss them!
richard
says:
she doesnt look bad for her age but the foundation is ridiculously wrong