The Spears’ Family Update
December 19, 2007 | Pop Culture
My apologies for the delay in posting today, guys. I just landed in Chicago, where I have a layover before flying on to Pennsylvania. Of all days to have to travel for the holidays — just when Jamie Lynn-gate has exploded!
The all-important Spears’ family update:
1. Mama Spears, Lynne, is devastated by the baby news, but not for the reasons you would think: “Jamie Lynn was this family’s big hope. With Britney, one minute you’re in, the next you’re out,” said an MSNBC source. “Brit had been supporting her family for years, and now all eyes were on Jamie Lynn.”
TRANSLATION: The gravy train has left the trailer park.
2. Jamie Lynn’s father is reportedly “furious” at the TV star, because he didn’t want his daughter to lower herself by selling the news of her pregnancy to the press.
TRANSLATION: Papa Spears wasn’t offered a cut of the money.
3. Jamie Lynn, who is probably further along than the initially reported 12 weeks, did not receive any dinero up-front, but will get $1 million from OK! for a photo shoot when the baby is born.
TRANSLATION: D’uh! Pimping your kids always starts early in the Spears’ family.
4. CNN is asking parents how they’ll break the news of Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy to their impressionable young children. Responses included explaining that “sometimes we make poor choices” and saying “I will use this as an opportunity to talk to them about why they should wait for marriage.”
TRANSLATION: Santa’s bringing a chastity belt this year!
5. Britney has been banned from the Four Seasons.
EXPLANATION: See above picture.