The Spears’ Family Update
December 19, 2007 | Pop Culture
My apologies for the delay in posting today, guys. I just landed in Chicago, where I have a layover before flying on to Pennsylvania. Of all days to have to travel for the holidays — just when Jamie Lynn-gate has exploded!
The all-important Spears’ family update:
1. Mama Spears, Lynne, is devastated by the baby news, but not for the reasons you would think: “Jamie Lynn was this family’s big hope. With Britney, one minute you’re in, the next you’re out,” said an MSNBC source. “Brit had been supporting her family for years, and now all eyes were on Jamie Lynn.”
TRANSLATION: The gravy train has left the trailer park.
2. Jamie Lynn’s father is reportedly “furious” at the TV star, because he didn’t want his daughter to lower herself by selling the news of her pregnancy to the press.
TRANSLATION: Papa Spears wasn’t offered a cut of the money.
3. Jamie Lynn, who is probably further along than the initially reported 12 weeks, did not receive any dinero up-front, but will get $1 million from OK! for a photo shoot when the baby is born.
TRANSLATION: D’uh! Pimping your kids always starts early in the Spears’ family.
4. CNN is asking parents how they’ll break the news of Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy to their impressionable young children. Responses included explaining that “sometimes we make poor choices” and saying “I will use this as an opportunity to talk to them about why they should wait for marriage.”
TRANSLATION: Santa’s bringing a chastity belt this year!
5. Britney has been banned from the Four Seasons.
EXPLANATION: See above picture.
Tags: britney spears, Jamie Lynn Spears
Javelin
says:
holy hell. does brit-brit have rabies?
Jenn
says:
I have tried not to comment on anything Spears for sometime but todyas storey and this news just beg WTF!! and WTF is she doing behind the wheel of a car in this condition. Heard Lynne Spears book is on hold – well duh!
jenner
says:
3. Jamie Lynn, who is probably further along than the initially reported 12 weeks, did not receive any dinero up-front, but will get $1 million from OK! for a photo shoot when the baby is born.
TRANSLATION: D’uh! Pimping your kids always starts early in the Spears’ family.
The “translation” I heard was that this is bcs OK was gonna break the story anyway, so the Spears’ dove in there to try & do some sort of damage control. As in, instead of breaking the story, it comes across as Jamie coming clean, being mature & responsible, etc etc etc
All I know is Lynn and Dina need to hook up & start a daycare….
Happy Go Lucky
says:
Jenner, that makes sense. The whole bit about
OK breaking the story and instead cutting a deal
to get a story and baby pics. Quite insightful u
r.
In other insightful comments, this post reminds
me of a Snoop Dogg quote: Lynn Spears should win
a Pimp of the Year award. At the time (oh, 10
years ago) I didn’t really get it but he was def
right.
This pic of Britney makes me want to throw up.
Just f*cking sick
Dawn
says:
Britney is stunning in that picture. Seriously, did some stun her? They better check her pulse.
On a more candid note, were the Spears children reared near a toxic dump? Because that would explain a lot.
bluehawaii
says:
Man! Britney’s right out of “The Exorcist” in that pic.
…Curious to see how this whole statutory rape angle plays out. Dan Abrams said Lynne was aware of her daughter’s sexual involvement with this 19-year-old.
Bee Hind
says:
I say they should make the money while they can.
Judging by that picture of Brit-Brit,
for 26 she doesn’t look so good.
The paps trail her now only to watch her screw up,
not because she’s a big star.
And now JL has a bun in the oven.
They are foolish, foolish girls who squander opportunities.
The poster girls of bad behavior.
From what I hear, Miley Cyrus is the new “it” girl.
So sell, sell, sell, you zany Spears gals!
Make your money, because you’ll be back to living in a double wide before you know it.
kali
says:
dude, is that picture of Brit photoshopped? If not, that’s REALLY scary.
Your site is my new favorite!
The Joker
says:
It will be interesting to see if Jamie Lynn really is further along in her pregnancy than the official 12 weeks. Like, a *lot* further along. I’m wondering if the National Enquirer was really right last July when they reported that JL was knocked up. If baby arrives unexpectedly in March, rather than June, it might be interesting.
Any more parenting tips, Lynn? What a fine pair of daughters you raised…
Vern
says:
When my daughter was little she liked to put makeup on me and “style” my hair.
Maybe it was during Brit’s sentence with the boys and she let them have at it.
Or maybe Brit was passed out and the court appointed witness was out of the room and the boys just went for it.
Had to be. Big people don’t choose “Pimp me Pink” eye shadow unless they’re “working.”
MsTriste
says:
Say ‘Aloha’ to your Mom for me! I need some motherly advice. Could you guys start an “Ask Candy’s Mom how to fix your problems” column, now that we can’t rely on Mrs. Spears to guide us through our lives, and since you obviously turned out so well?
Holy Terror
says:
I think there are some photoshopped elements in that pic.