An Exclusive Halloween Interview with Satan, Prince of Darkness
October 31, 2008 | Other
Satan says he just enjoys kicking back beers, possessing young girls' souls
Holy Candy publisher, Candy, recently had the opportunity to sit down with Satan, Prince of Darkness and Evil Incarnate, at The Ivy in Beverly Hills, where they chatted about what Halloween means to him, life in Hell and Japan emerging from its decade-long economic slump.
CANDY: First off, I just have to say — you look great! Did you lose weight or something?
SATAN, PRINCE OF DARKNESS: [NODS, SMILING] Thanks for noticing.
CANDY: Atkins? Cabbage soup…?
SATAN: Try the eternal damnation diet. A lifetime in hell, and you just sweat off those pounds!
CANDY: I’m sure I’ll find that out soon enough. [WE LAUGH KNOWINGLY] So, you must be thrilled Halloween is here again.
SATAN: Oh, yeah. I love me a slutty Disney costume! But enough about Miley Cyrus’ MySpace pictures.
CANDY: Word! [WE GIDDILY CLINK OUR MIMOSAS] But seriously, isn’t Halloween, like, your holiday?
SATAN: Not really.
CANDY: No?!
SATAN: That’s a common misconception. Some Christian groups call Halloween my “feast day,” but honestly, I don’t even like candy that much.
CANDY: So all those satanic rituals people perform on Halloween…?
SATAN: All they do is make more busy work for me, having to catalog their sins and penance and whatnot. I much prefer Christmastime.
CANDY: The presents…?
SATAN: Office holiday parties. Oh, it’s so much fun to sit on the shoulder of those folks! “Should I have another lemon drop shot?” “Should I tap Karen from Accounting’s ass in the bathroom again even though she’s engaged to my boss?” “Is dancing topless on the bar really a good idea?” Yes, yes and yes!
CANDY: So that was YOUR fault — um, nevermind.
SATAN: [TAKES A BITE OF HIS OMELETTE] Hey, it got you a raise, didn’t it?
CANDY: Anyway… *AHEM* This sounds like a busy time of year for you all-around.
SATAN: Oh, yeah. I was thinking of hiring a temp, but in this economy…
CANDY: What do you think of the U.S. bailout plan?
SATAN: There’s no quick fix. Just look at Japan; they’re just now emerging from a decade-long slump. The global economy in general will take time to get back onto a trend growth.
CANDY: Sounds like we could use you in Congress!
SATAN: I already own many of their souls.
[CANDY LAUGHS; SATAN DOES NOT]
CANDY: It was nice meeting you, Satan. Happy Halloween.
SATAN: See you at the holiday party.
Tags: exclusive interview, halloween, satan
