National Geographic Research Zoologists Discover the Jay-Z Bling Turtle

October 9, 2008 | Celebrities, Satire

Illustration by Gallery of the Absurd

The Bling Turtle is an obscenely wealthy reptile of the Species Ostentātus hyp-hopio mogula, whose soft body is shielded by a diamond-encrusted shell.

Unlike other reptiles, Bling Turtles travel by white Escalade and private yacht, and live primarily on cases of perfectly chilled Armand de Brignac. They will withdraw their head into their shells when asked whether they are, in fact, married to their longtime girlfriend; however, they are also known to become aggressive when provoked by fellow hyp-hopio artists – which rap zoologists have identified as “Nas” –- with “oh no, he didn’t”-type lyrics dismissing Bling Turtle as serious competition.

The Bling Turtle is indigenous to New York City, and can be found overseeing his many business ventures; piling on yet more bling; supporting the Yankees with a perpetually crooked baseball cap; sailing to the South of France; delivering clean water to Africa; and retiring from music-making –- and repeatedly triumphantly returning to music-making.

Tags: celebrity animals