Wigging Out: An Exclusive Interview with Nicolas Cage’s Hair

September 15, 2009 | Celebrities, Other, Satire

CANDY: Thanks for joining me. I’ve been playing phone tag with your publicist for weeks –

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Is there somethin’ wrong?

CANDY: No! No, of course not. Why do you –

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Then why won’t ya look at me?

CANDY: What a silly question! I’m just, um, studying my notes. INTENSELY. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, anyway… tell me about your relationship with Nicolas.

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: We’ve been through it all, Nic and me. From wild times to sleepless nights with the baby, ya know? I don’t mean to get all sappy on ya, but I like to think I’m extension of him.

CANDY: [BITES LIP] Indeed. Nic’s latest film, Bangkok Dangerous, is getting seriously panned by the critics. Can’t be easy for him. Does Nic confide in you about stuff like that?

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Nah. We’re dudes, ya know? If we’re havin’ a bad day, we just pop open a coupla brews and dance around naked to some Elvis tunes, just like any other guys.

CANDY: Fun.

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Yeah, I never gotta worry ’bout Nic. He’s like me — he’s got his ups and downs, and might head in the wrong direction sometimes, but he always ends up on top.

CANDY: Do you have any other friends in Hollywood? Like, do you ever hang out with, say, John Travolta’s Hair or Larry King’s?

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Ya gotta be kiddin’ me. What would I possibly have in common with them?

CANDY: It was just a thought. So you and Nic — as tight as ever?

NIC CAGE’S HAIR: Yeah, life’s good. I mean, can I do all the things I once could? ‘Course not. We all change over time, ya know? But I think in many ways I’m living a fuller life than I ever was. Much, much fuller. Almost absurdly full. And I think Nic feels the same way.

CANDY: Yup, all you can do is keeping plugging away.

Tags: exclusive interview