Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

American Voices: Why Ke$ha is Good for My Sex Life

March 3, 2010 | Satire

“Twentysomething girls want guys who look like Mick Jagger? Hot damn! The young honies are gonna LOVE me!”

–Jimmy Coyne, Orlando, Fla.

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Breaking: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Sought in Case of Kidnapped Oompa-Loompas

January 13, 2010 | Celebrities, Satire

Photo credit: Midevil

LOOMPALAND — Actors and holy couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are wanted for questioning concerning the mysterious disappearance of two Oompa-Loompas, say Loompaland Police.

Officials claim Pitt and Jolie knocked on the door of the Chocolate Factory at about 4 p.m. yesterday, and absconded with the two of the adorable Oompa-Loompas who answered their knock. Those close to the case believe the couple are attempting to claim ownership of the Oompa-Loompas in order to artificially inflate their adoption scorecard without the hassle of International Adoption Services.

Police say they are “99 percent certain” the kidnappers are Pitt and Jolie because eyewitnesses observed a halo basking them in a soft light. Also, because paparazzi have snapped the couple with the missing Oompa-Loompas.

“All I want is the safe return of my precious Oompa-Loompas,” pleaded Willy Wonka. “Plus maybe an autographed picture of Brangelina to hang above my chocolate river.”

Tags: brangelina, wanted

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Conan O’Brien: “What I Did This Weekend”

January 12, 2010 | Entertainment, Satire

Tags: Celebrity Pastimes

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Stars Honor Themselves at First Annual Self-Congratulatory Awards

January 6, 2010 | Entertainment, Satire

BEVERLY HILLS — The entertainment industry is abuzz with excitement about the first-ever Self-Congratulatory Awards (SCAs) being held at Kodak Theatre later this month. The ceremony will finally offer movie, music and television stars the opportunity to pat themselves on the back in front an audience of equally self-indulgent peers.

“It’s about time stars take a moment to honor themselves,” notes presenter Paris Hilton. “Letting people soak in our awesomeness and see the sick swag we get is the least we can do for them — and for ourselves,” she adds as she tests out poses in our office’s conference room window.

According to the diamond dust-embellished invitation, the ceremony will feature a steak and lobster dinner, an open bar sponsored by Dom Pérignon, and a touching tribute to acknowledge those Americans suffering from the current economic crisis.

The SCA nominees are:

HIGHEST NUMBER OF RANDOM RED CARPET APPEARANCES:

Eva Longoria

Emmy Rossum

The Cast of Gossip Girl

Paris Hilton

Bai Ling

MOST IMPRESSIVE GOD COMPLEX:

Sean “Diddy” Combs

Madonna

Kanye West

Paris Hilton