He Said, She Said

Welcome to the 10th edition of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I’m the governor of Alaska, the first female Republican vice presidential candidate and future GILF — and the only thing people care about is my glasses! How can I get them to focus on my more important attributes?

MooseHunter@yahoo.com

TO MOOSEHUNTER:

DIDDY: Did you say Alaska? I need you to hook me up wit’ some oil for my private jet, yo! Well, okay, my wing of a jet. Um… my steering wheel?

PARIS: GILF — that’s like what I’ve got, right? Just take a Valtrex. It’ll stop the itching.

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I’m about to be evicted from my apartment for leaving dog shit everywhere, but I can’t leave! I NEED to live in that apartment to channel the spirits of John Belushi and Steve Martin in my comedy act. Otherwise, my career will perish. PERISH, I say!

Can you help a dude out?

Dane_Cook_Rocks_The_House@gmail.com

TO DANE_COOK_ROCKS_THE_HOUSE:

DIDDY: That was YOUR dog shit? I’m gonna pop a cap in yo’ ass!

PARIS: I love John Belushi. He’s going to make a totally awesome president.

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I just came out of the closet and all of my Christian fans are turning on me. How do I win them back?

Clay-Is-A-Blessed-Angel@aol.com

TO CLAY-IS-A-BLESSED-ANGEL

DIDDY: I can’t relate, yo. You see, I’m always in good standing with my #1 fan: myself.

PARIS: Wait — you were in the closet? Did you see my dogs in there?