Archive for Posts Tagged ‘celebrity animals’
National Geographic Spotlight: The Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl
November 7, 2008 | Celebrities, Other, Satire
Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl
Vociferor Conservativus
According to National Geographic scientists, the Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl is a small, loud, opinionated Owl of the Species vociferor conservativus, indigenous to the United States’ Right-Wing regions.
It is a bleached-blonde Owl that sits erect and is always prepared to tearfully defend its territory should any creature attack the Bush Administration or theistic evolution, or question the Iraq War. The Screech Owl’s feathers are easily ruffled; however, recent field reports indicate the Owl is capable of graciously cooing, rather than screeching, at the most unexpected times. This is the first time the Owl has been known to eat post-election crow.
The Owl was first spotted in the Australian Outback, where zoologists originally called the cute bird a “Survivor Sweetheart.” Now living in New York City , the Owl migrates to Republican events across the country during election season.
Most owl species depend on camouflage, stealth and small animals to survive, but the Marc Jacobs-clad Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl seems to defy all the conventional owl wisdom, surviving on a diet of FOX News, Rosie blood and egg white omelets with spinach. The Screech Owl’s only natural enemies are its co-hosts and liberals.
Illustration by, and concept created with, Gallery of the Absurd
Tags: celebrity animals, elisabeth hasselbeck
National Geographic Research Zoologists Discover the Jay-Z Bling Turtle
October 9, 2008 | Celebrities, Satire
Illustration by Gallery of the Absurd
The Bling Turtle is an obscenely wealthy reptile of the Species Ostentātus hyp-hopio mogula, whose soft body is shielded by a diamond-encrusted shell.
Unlike other reptiles, Bling Turtles travel by white Escalade and private yacht, and live primarily on cases of perfectly chilled Armand de Brignac. They will withdraw their head into their shells when asked whether they are, in fact, married to their longtime girlfriend; however, they are also known to become aggressive when provoked by fellow hyp-hopio artists – which rap zoologists have identified as “Nas” –- with “oh no, he didn’t”-type lyrics dismissing Bling Turtle as serious competition.
The Bling Turtle is indigenous to New York City, and can be found overseeing his many business ventures; piling on yet more bling; supporting the Yankees with a perpetually crooked baseball cap; sailing to the South of France; delivering clean water to Africa; and retiring from music-making –- and repeatedly triumphantly returning to music-making.
Tags: celebrity animals
