Archive for Posts Tagged ‘paris hilton’

“Baby Voice” Epidemic Spreads Among Talentless Socialites

December 22, 2009 | Satire

Paris Hilton's natural voice has been missing since 2002, say disease trackers

The ongoing “Baby Voice” pandemic among Hollywood socialites is increasing at an alarming rate, a U.S. health official said Monday.

Since the annoying affliction was introduced by Paris Hilton in early 2002, Baby Voice has spread among spoiled celebrity offspring and proved to be a particular source of misery to anybody with a modicum of intelligence, causing a spike in the use of the “mute” button on television remote controls nationwide.

Symptoms of Baby Voice include a breathy-yet-whiny voice, similar to a flu-ridden toddler’s, often accompanied by the delusion that it sounds appealing.

A number of women in Los Angeles possess underlying conditions making them more susceptible to this ailment, including possession of their own reality show, lack of discernible talent, their own fragrance at Macy’s, and the last name “Hilton” or “Kardashian.”

Clinics such as the Anti-Dumbass Health Center are making plans to provide vaccination against the Hollywood strain. California state health authorities are projecting that as many as a hundred Baby Voice vaccinations will be given statewide this winter.

“People are scared of losing their real voices to this truly grating ailment, so we are working to make the Baby Voice vaccine available as soon as possible,’’ said Jennifer Smith, director of clinical services at the Anti-Dumbass Health Center. “In the meantime, we recommend girls stay away from highly contagious influencers such as E!’s reality programming or any Hilary Duff movie.”

Tags: Kardashians, paris hilton